A Tour of the House
by LizzyLovesPink
Summary: England decides to visit the home of his brand new ally, Russia, hearing amazing things about the wealth and splendor him and his nations bathe in daily. However, England is in for a surprise, since Russia lets his nations run wild-with no running water! Despite his disgust, can England learn a little something that will help him understand the importance of living a free life?


England was excited, quite excited indeed. He'd never admit his excitement to anybody, but that didn't change the fact that all his organs felt as if they were doing somersaults. He was excited because he had managed to get into the good graces of a rival empire and become his ally, and more allies meant more support for wars! Plus, he had heard that this Russian Empire was as splendid, proper, and beautiful as his own British Empire, almost to rival it. Russia even had more nations than him! As soon as he knocked on that golden front door, however, he composed himself and prepared for Russia to answer the door.

Instead of Russia opening it, however, it was a smaller man with dark brown hair that went down to the collar of his shirt. Still, England remained calm. He could handle a slight change of plans.

"Hey, are you Mr. England? Sir Russia told me you would be coming for a tour of our empire today, but he didn't say what time." The man asked, and England nodded. "Great! Come on in!" The man ushered England inside and closed the door.

"You know me, who do you happen to be?" England asked politely.

"Me? I'm Lithuania, one of Sir Russia's nations. A pleasure to meet you." Lithuania bowed nicely, and England bowed back in shock, surprised at his manners already. "Sorry Sir Russia couldn't personally escort you today, he wasn't feeling very well so he decided to stay in bed. He chose me to show you around instead. Don't feel bad though, since Sir Russia is really unpredictable! He might join us later on!" Lithuania smiled, and England found himself smiling back.

"Show me around, by all means." England suggested, and Lithuania nodded and first led him into a room he quickly assumed to be the kitchen. The room was very smokey, the cause being something simmering on the stove.

There wasn't much else to look at, there wasn't even a sink in the room, but multiple rows of spice racks lined the green walls. There were also cupboards aplenty lining the other wall, while a giant icebox made up the remainder of the space. There was also a woman cooking in the room, who England instantly turned his face up at once she turned around.

"Lithuania!" Persia greeted happily, running over to him.

"Hey there!" They both kissed each other on the cheek in greeting. "This is that new empire Sir Russia recently allied with, Mr. England. Mr. England, this is Persia! Her full name is the Persian Empire though!" He smiled, and England pulled him aside to whisper in his ear.

"What are you doing? No, better question, what is she wearing?" He demanded, pointing to Persia, who returned back to her cooking. Lithuania looked at her clothes, finding her dressed in a suit of white silk with a matching veil on her head. Gold jewels were draped around her body, and her midriff was showing.

"Those are her traditional clothes, what's wrong with them? Sir Russia lets all of us wear our traditional clothes!" Lithuania smiled happily, but England stared at him in disbelief.

"But her...abdomen is showing!" He persisted. Persia ran back over to them with two giant gold plates in her dark hands.

"I made extra kabobs, just in case Mr. England wanted one! Here you two are!" She gave each nation a plate, then left the room with a smile.

Lithuania dove into his without a second thought, but England slowly picked one up and inspected it.

"He lets you guys cook...ethnic food?" He struggled, and Lithuania simply nodded.

"Every week, a new nation cooks breakfast, lunch, and dinner for us all. It is a great way to taste other national dishes! This week, it's Persia's turn to cook, but next week, it'll be mine!" Lithuania returned to his kabobs.

England took a tiny bite of one of his, finding the taste to be quite savory. Once he figured Lithuania wasn't looking, he downed one of his kabobs.

"Wow, you ate that one super quickly! You must like her cooking!" Lithuania said, impressed. All of his kabobs were gone.

England couldn't respond to that, since he felt his own body disagree with the sudden colorful flavor and force it back up. He dropped his plate on the marble floor and covered his mouth.

"Oh my gosh, what's wrong? Are you sick?" Lithuania asked in a panic.

"Gonna...vomit..." England managed to gasp, not caring in that moment if he was polite or not. After all, it would be terribly rude indeed to vomit on that spotless floor! Lithuania nodded and poked his head out of the kitchen.

"Armenia! Get me a piss-pot, and hurry!" He directed, and the nation in question ran off and returned a few seconds later with one.

"A...what?" England choked out, swallowing his vomit and smacking it away from him. "I'm fine, I do not need it anymore!" He took a deep breath to recompose himself, then walked out of the kitchen with a haughty step. Lithuania simply shrugged and followed him, placing the chamber pot on the stove.

"Well, you've seen the kitchen, now let's look at the parlor!" Lithuania ran excitedly down the candlelit hallway, stopping in front of a heavy bronze door and pulling it open. "Here's our parlor!" He gestured England inside, and he promptly sucked in his breath at the splendor.

Several maroon couches and chairs were neatly placed around the room, mostly around marble bookcases or around the giant stone fireplace. Thousands of green, gold, blue, and red rugs were scattered around the room. Some were placed on the floor under chairs, but some were hung up like a sort of tapestry. Several paintings and pictures were hanging up, most of Russia with various other nations. An ornate golden egg, a nesting doll, and a crystal vase of flowers were placed neatly on top of the fireplace, and the whole room was painted in a dark shade of gold.

"This...is your parlor?" England asked, trying his hardest to sound unimpressed. Lithuania smiled and nodded. England made his way over to a large portrait hanging above the largest couch and took it off its hook.

It was a large picture of Russia standing in front of his mansion with a smile on his face, surrounded by all of his rowdy nations in their traditional clothes. England found Belarus hugging Russia from behind, while Ukraine hung onto his arm happily. Lithuania and Poland were in each others' arms, sticking their tongues out for the camera. Even the normally-serious Estonia sported a huge grin, holding up Finland's arm near the back.

"You all look just cheery..." England sighed, putting the picture back.

He had been so absorbed in his own thoughts that he failed to notice there were several other nations in the room with him; three of them, in fact. He spun around and waved to them, addressing them.

"Oh, so you're England!" Ukraine said happily, jumping up from the instrument she was holding. "Russia will be so happy to hear you finally came!" She held her hand out for England to shake it, but he found himself more focused on her outfit.

"Doesn't she look just beautiful?" Poland asked, walking over to England and shaking his head instead. "Russia's taking his sisters out for a night on the town, so of course they had to dress up in their prettiest gowns! Why don't you two show them off?" He gestured to Belarus, who reluctantly stood up and did a pose for England.

Both sisters were dressed in virtually the same gown, but their accessories and colors were different to better reflect their personalities. Ukraine was dressed in a peach, low-cut evening gown with a large skirt attached and white lace on her top and elbow-long sleeves. She had white lacy kid gloves on, and a diamond choker. Her dark blonde hair was tied up into a braid-bun with a silky white ribbon, and a tiara swept her bangs off her forehead. The low-cut of the dress only seemed to emphasize her large bust, something that even England had to admit was impressive.

Belarus was wearing a matching violet dress with black kid gloves. Her hair was tied back with a purple bow, and a black tiara was placed on her forehead. A choker made from purple rubies was around her neck, and came with matching earrings.

Both sisters spun around for England, and he pulled Lithuania aside again to rant about his culture shock.

"What in bloody hell are those two ladies wearing? Doesn't Russia care a lick about who sees his sisters out in public like that? Also, where are their corsets? All women must wear corsets!" He whispered loudly into Lithuania's ear, making Russia's sisters look over at him.

"What's a corset?" Belarus asked, picking up on what he was saying.

"It's an undergarment women in my empire wear to make their waists look very thin and fit while also emphasizing their bust. It is required for all women to wear them!" England explained, and Ukraine gasped.

"How terrible! It sounds like it would give me horrendous back pain!" She cried.

"Since they often get laced too tightly, many buildings nowadays have special rooms where women can faint." He shrugged.

"How inhumane! Do you not care about the safety of your female citizens?" Belarus demanded, staring him down despite her short height.

"I don't know, it kinda sounds like fun! We could strap you into one and fix that gross masculine body of yours!" Poland teased, looking at Lithuania.

"Yeah, and we could put one on you and tie the straps super tight so you would shut up!" Lithuania teased back, making the other three laugh. England just stared at him.

"So, Russia must have a lot of money if he buys so many of these rugs." He said quickly, changing the subject.

"Oh no, these are all hand-made!" Ukraine said proudly, running her hands over a deep green one hanging up. "A majority of them are from Turkmenistan, but Armenia tries her hand at one here and there!" She giggled. "Here's a recent one of hers." Ukraine pointed to a dark orange carpet under her feet that was overlapping a bright red one. It clashed horribly.

"You actually...keep the things...your colonies make...?" England struggled to ask, trying to keep his polite tone.

"Colonies? We're not colonies! We're his nations!" Poland proclaimed proudly.

"Of course he does, why would he not? Sir Russia is very interested in the world around him, so he allows all of us to wear our traditional clothes around the house and continue to make our music, crafts, and food. Sometimes, he even joins in!" Lithuania beamed. "Speaking of which, how about we go check on him?"

"Why not? It would only be fair to check in on someone who is under the weather. Take me to his bedchambers." England commanded, and Ukraine waved goodbye to him.

"Nice meeting you today, England!" She waved happily. "Hopefully our relations will improve for the better, and I hope to see you around at some point!"

Lithuania left the parlor and walked quickly up a double-staircase made from marble and featured a dark red carpet going down the center. England found himself getting dizzy from the sheer size of it and had to grip the railing tightly.

"I know it is not my place to ask, but...that taller woman's bust, was it real?" England asked nonchalantly, trying to fake his interest.

"Of course it's real!" Lithuania confirmed. "That's probably why the thought of corsets scared her so much!"

"Bloody hell..."

They finally stopped at the top of the staircase, the hallway in front of them looking relatively plain in comparison to everything else England was shown earlier.

"This is where all of our bedrooms are, but I won't show you them since they're pretty boring and plain. However, Sir Russia's room isn't!" Lithuania led England down the hall until they stopped in front of a tall silver door that had the current coat of arms of Russia's current Tzar painted onto it. England could tell it had been painted over several times already, and he had to wonder how many Tzars Russia went through in a span of ten years, or even just five.

Lithuania knocked on the door. "Hello, Sir Russia? May I please come in?"

They were told to enter by a rough but still well-meaning voice, and Lithuania threw open the door to reveal a fully-dressed, healthy Russia sitting on his bed, reading a book.

"Lithuania!" He said happily, jumping off his bed and planting a large kiss on his lips in greeting. "You will not believe it, I am healthy! It is a miracle cure, no?"

"It most certainly is!" Lithuania agreed and kissed him back. "Oh, this is Mr. England! Since you weren't feeling very good earlier, I started showing him around the house, but now we can finish the tour together!"

"How do you do?" England offered his hand out,and Russia shook it.

"Here, we can start the tour again with my bedroom. Do you like it?" He spread his arms wide, showing off the room, making Lithuania laugh.

England took Russia up on that offer and looked around while Russia and Lithuania discussed something in what he assumed to be Russian. It suddenly dawned on him that they were speaking English to him earlier, and he confronted them about it.

"You can speak English?" He asked in a curious tone. "How? And why are you so good?"

"A lot of my citizens are excited about our new alliance, so they started learning English. As a result, I know it now too, but my accent is probably very thick, yes?" Russia smiled.

"I learned it because I get bored around here easily. My accent is probably thick too!" Lithuania worried, covering his mouth.

"Whatever. I was just wondering as to how I was able to communicate with you all this time." England waved them away and kept looking around Russia's bedroom, not quite sure what he would find.

The first sight he noticed was the enormous king-sized bed in the center of the room that took up a majority of the space. It was covered in violet silk sheets, blankets, and green pillows, while a white silk curtain was tied around it to be drawn at a moment's notice. Under the bed was a dark maroon rug, most likely another hand-crafted item from his countries. To the right of the bed was a massive oak desk that was in a state of disarray, with open books and leafed maps stacked up haphazardly on both the desk and the chair. Next to the desk was a large brown globe that seemed to be current, to England's knowledge. He spun it and landed on Eastern Europe, but instead of every country being labeled individually, they were all unified under the title 'Russian Empire' in very fancy Cryllic letters.

On the left was a white bookshelf that stretched from the ceiling to the floor and was kept in neat order, which surprised England after seeing the state of Russia's desk. He found himself quite comfortable in the room, the sheer amount of rich colors and luxury reminding him of his own mansion back home in London that symbolized his own empire.

Just as he was starting to accept Russia's empire, however, he saw something halfway-hidden under Russia's bed that jolted him back into his reality. He pulled it out and shoved it at Lithuania.

"What is this?" He demanded.

"Oh, that is just my chamber pot! Is it not fancy?" Russia smiled, showing off the design on it. The pot itself was made from very fine, delicate china, while the rim was trimmed from pure gold. Violet jewels circled the rim as well, matching Russia's eye color.

"Sir Russia gave us all jewels on our piss-pots that match our eye color, is that amazing? Poland and I both have emeralds lining ours!" Lithuania beamed.

"A piss-pot...is that honestly what you call these things?" England asked in disgust, and Lithuania nodded. "I don't even know why I'm still holding it. Where's your water-closet?"

"A...what? What's that?"

"It's a..." England realized he had trouble explaining just what it was exactly, partially since he had no idea whether Russia had running water in his mansion or not. He had heard he did, but those were rumors. "Show me your bathroom, and I will explain what it is to you there." He threw the chamber pot at Russia and left the room, and Russia gently pushed it back under his bed.

"You should be lucky I knew you were coming today, I usually only empty it out when it is full. However, if company is coming, then I empty it out more!" Russia explained, walking out of the room with Lithuania.

"Bloody hell..." England sighed. "So, what was with those kisses everyone around here is always giving?"

"It's how we greet each other!" Lithuania explained brightly. "If you are greeting someone the same gender as you, then you kiss their lips. If not, then you kiss their cheek."

"What an odd way of greeting someone..." He commented, but eventually left that one alone.

Russia pushed open another silver door and gestured inside. "Welcome to our bathroom!"

The room was quite large, and both the floor and walls were painted a bright white, but England soon realized that was to bring the person's attention to the massive golden bathtub that took up almost the entire room. A small linen closet was off to the tub's left, housing three rows of soft towels and two rows of bath salts and other oils to pour inside ones bath water to make it smell better. England walked up to get a closer look at the tub, but just as quickly realized it had no faucet or temperature-control settings.

"Where's your hot and cold faucets? And where is the faucet all the water comes out of?" He asked, pointing to it.

"My nation always get water from the stream out back and heat it up on the stove to prepare their bath water. It is much easier in the winter, since the snow is everywhere!" Russia laughed.

"At my place, we're able to fill up our baths in the blink of an eye." England explained.

"Really? How?" Lithuania asked with stars in his eyes.

"It's because my empire has running water, which is when one connects pipes from a river and connects them into a house. Thus, you get unlimited water!"

"It sounds amazing. We don't have anything like that here." Lithuania sighed a bit. "I wish we could. It sounds great, not having to make thirty trips to fill up your bath water or always dump a chamber pot out the window." He suddenly tensed up.

"Lithuania, I have to admit, out of all the nations I have met today, you are the one I would actually want to spend time out of my day with."

"How flattering!" Lithuania blushed a bit.

"Who else has he met today?" Russia asked in a curious tone.

"Persia, Poland, and your sisters." He counted off on his fingers.

"Yes, and you actually have intellect and charm in comparison to them. You are a very interesting young man, Lithuania." England continued to praise.

"Oh, could you hold that thought? I really have to piss." Lithuania waved to him and darted out of the bathroom, leaving England to slowly form a dirty look on his face that he aimed at Russia.

"What did he just say?" He demanded.

"What? He just has to piss, what is the problem?" Russia asked innocently.

"That is such a vulgar word! Nobody refers to it like that as long as I'm around!"

"Maybe at your place, but at my place, I could not care less what my nations say as long as they are not insulting me." England felt a sudden aura of darkness surround Russia after that phrase, but it was gone just as quickly.

Russia stepped out of the bathroom, making England follow him. Lithuania showed up a few seconds later, looking quite pleased with himself.

"I know a room you would love, our dining room!" Lithuania and Russia led England down the massive, dizzying staircase once more, then opened a bronze door right next to the door that led to the kitchen.

This time, England nearly choked at the sight in front of him, not entirely sure how he was supposed to react.

The walls were painted a bright gold, but the floor was a darkly-stained oak, giving a strange but warm contrast to the room. A large stone fireplace was set up in this room as well, with several empty vases made from marble, china, and porcelain were placed neatly on top. In front of the fireplace was a massive oak dining table with thirty chairs placed in front of it, one clearly bigger than the others. England figured that was where Russia sat every day for his meals, and his nations just accepted that fact. A green rug was thrown under the table, and a much smaller cherry-red rug was used as a sort of tablecloth for the table, with another empty crystal vase and a decorative candle-holder set in the center. Above the table was a massive chandelier that caught the light perfectly, causing all the dangling crystals to shine in various colors of the rainbow.

The Brit stared at it for a long while, mesmerized.

"It looks even more impressive around Christmastime. Sir Russia always decorates this room in shades of gold, silver, red, and green, and all of us nations pitch in to make a little something for our Christmas feast. Afterwards, we all dress in our very best clothes and attend both a winter-themed ballet, and then we go to a church service, then we come home and eat! Some of us give presents to our best friends or lovers, but it's not required." Lithuania sighed a bit, remembering the previous Christmas.

"That sounds quite lovely." England admitted. "I wouldn't mind coming here for Christmas myself, after hearing that."

"The more the merrier! We would love to have you celebrate with us!" Russia cheered.

Three figures darted into the dining room, their shapes a blur so England didn't properly register them.

"Latvia!" Estonia yelled. "This is why we don't drink from Sir Russia's secret stash! That is why said stash is tightly locked up!"

"I didn't know he couldn't hold his wine! He can hold vodka quite well!" Finland shot back.

"I love his stash!~ It tastes like berries!~ I love berries!~" Latvia slurred happily, jumping on top of the table and trying to grab the swinging chandelier.

"Touch it and I swear, Latvia!" Both Estonia and Finland demanded.

"You are not my boss!~ Shut up!~" Latvia giggled and tightly grabbed onto the crystals, launching himself off the table and swinging back and forth. "This is fun!~"

England went right back to giving Russia a dirty look. "Is this what you want your nations to do with all that freedom you give them?"

"Of course! Now we know what happens when Latvia drinks my special French wine!" Russia smiled and walked over to the table. "Latvia, get down from there." He demanded, a bit more coldly than the others.

"You are not my boss!~" Latvia continued to insist, swinging faster. One of his boots came loose and fell off his foot, nearly taking England's head off with it. "Whoops! Sorry!~"

"The lad's only twelve, yet he drinks!" England yelled.

"Yeah, it is quite commonplace around here to drink lots of alcohol." Lithuania replied calmly, watching Russia trying to pull Latvia off the crystals by force.

"Latvia, I am not afraid to use real force." Russia demanded again, and this time, a cold wind almost seemed to blow through the dining room. Latvia jumped down from the chandelier, only to receive a flick on his forehead from Estonia.

"Never do that ever again! Pick your shoe up and go to bed!" Estonia directed, and despite Latvia pouting at him, he did what he was told, Estonia following behind him. Finland left after introducing himself to England.

"I cannot believe how undisciplined your nations are, Russia. At my house, nobody would dare dream of breaking into my secret stash! And they most certainly would not get drunk off of it!" England insisted as they left the dining room.

"I think it is because your nations are afraid of you but despite that, do not respect you." Russia walked into the living room, finding it to be cleared out of nations. He went straight for the nesting doll on the mantle and presented it to England. "You need to show your colonies that you respect them and in turn, they will respect you. You need to unify them, but allow them to be unique." He showed the top portion of the nesting doll, which was made to a likeness of Russia himself. He opened it up to reveal a Ukraine doll inside, then a Belarus doll, then he kept going until he made it all the way down to the youngest nation in his empire, Moldova. "See? We are all one nation, but I do not force myself onto them. Likewise, they do not try to do it with me." He put all the dolls back and neatly set his nesting doll back on the mantle.

"My tactics would never work, Russia, my nations are far too wild! They will never be as happy as yours!" England said.

"They are wild because you enforce too many rules onto them. Let them live a little!" Russia led England back outside, walking by the side of the mansion.

England would have come up with a clever response to that, if he was not suddenly assaulted by most likely the worst smell he had ever smelled in his entire life. He covered both his mouth and nose up and demanded to know what it was.

"Oh, that?" Lithuania asked, gesturing to a tall, muddy pile along the house's side that was made up entirely of all the garbage and sewage roughly nineteen nations could make over the course of nearly eighty years. "That's just our cesspit."

"It is 1873! Who has cesspits anymore?" England demanded hotly.

"Well, where else would we throw all of our garbage and sewage?" Lithuania smiled, as if it made perfect sense.

"You all are bloody fucking nuts," England moaned.

"Well, here we are! The last stop on our tour, sadly." Russia still kept his cheerful voice, however. England pushed Russia aside and felt his eyes grow wide at the sight.

They had clearly led him into the backyard of the mansion, but it was not any ordinary backyard. A white cobblestone path was carefully and neatly placed from the backdoor to the very edge of the yard, and along the path were all different types of plants.

One area was reserved purely for fruit trees, and England was amazed to find the plums were in-season and tasted perfectly fine. Next to the heavy, fruit-bearing trees were five rows of various vegetables, stretching as far west as Poland and as far east as China, and there were even some veggies from the United States mixed in there as well.

Most were not in season, but England could make out green buds and tiny vegetables here and there, so he hoped the nations would be able to bring in a plentiful harvest by summer's end that year.

To the left of the vegetable patch were eight rows of flowers, each one more exotic, beautiful, and sweet-smelling than the last. England ran over to that section last, nearly drowning in the combined scents of all the flowers at once. The strongest was a Persian flower blossom England did not know the name of, but it smelled as sweet and as exotic as a spice she might have used on her kabobs earlier. Near her blossoms were several blooming rose-bushes, the roses themselves large and bright pink. England even recognized some Chinese orchids by themselves in one corner from Hong Kong's fond descriptions of them. Sprinkled in were some hardy baby sunflowers who had barely poked their heads out of the soil, having just been planted. Normally their strange appearance would've ruined the whole flower garden, but in this moment, England felt like their presence wrapped the whole garden together. He had been so involved in his fantasy he had forgotten Lithuania and Russia were still there.

"Beautiful, yes?" Russia asked. "This garden is the result of all of my nations coming out here at least once a week and tending to their own plants. At first it was just a project I started with my sisters out of boredom, but as I got more nations here, it quickly grew into the masterpiece you see in front of you."

"Do you like it?" Lithuania asked slowly, a cautious tone in his voice. England simply smiled and stood up.

"I will admit, that when I first came here, I hated it. Your nations run around wild, wearing revealing outfits, and you don't even have running water! But now, after seeing the fruits of your nations' labor creating something this beautiful, I have changed my mind. I quite enjoy your bizarre empire now, even if it is just for this small little part." He smiled a bit more, making Lithuania and Russia smile back.

"Does that mean you want to visit us more often?" Lithuania asked hopefully, and England nodded.

"Do not be surprised when I spend most or all of my time out here though." He teased.

"Fine by me, I could do with less nations running around my mansion." Russia teased back.

"Now, I have to brush my hair." Lithuania randomly announced, turning to leave.

"And I promised my sisters I would take them out to dinner tonight, so I must go get ready!" Russia explained. England decided to follow them, since he would have to leave out the font way anyway, feeling very much like he was floating on air.

Suddenly, a large river of urine gushed out of a window under England and landed just at his feet, nearly hitting them. England looked up at the culprit, finding Latvia dressed in a very formal suit, still tipping over an empty chamber pot.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mister! I hope that didn't land on you, Mr. England!" Latvia tipped his hat at him in apology, then shut his window.

"Find your happy place...find your happy place...!" England demanded himself quietly, feeling his temper about to explode.

"Oh dear, we were so close..." Lithuania sighed, trying his hardest not to burst out laughing.

"You are still coming back, right?" Russia asked after England, who was currently storming off the property of the Russian Empire, already thinking of ways to show them the errors of their ways.

"Should we be concerned about making an ally of ours angry?" Lithuania asked, a sudden tone of worry in his voice.

"I wouldn't worry about it. I am always messing with America to make him upset, but he is still our ally, is he not? So I am not concerned about England." Russia went back inside the mansion to prepare for his sisters' dinner, and Lithuania simply shrugged and went inside as well to fix his hair.


End file.
